


Silence and Sound

by changdori (janie6789)



Category: DBSK | Tohoshinki | TVfXQ | TVXQ
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-11-17
Updated: 2014-11-17
Packaged: 2018-02-25 17:23:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 11,996
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2630054
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/janie6789/pseuds/changdori
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Changmin is slowly losing his hearing. Yunho is there to help him through it -- but how he can help his bandmate through something like this, he isn't sure.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Silence

Changmin is not the type to be sentimental. Not at all.

Yunho knows that. Changmin prefers a playful punch to warm hugs, and prefers snide jokes to heartfelt words of sincerity.

And as always, Yunho respects that. Yunho lets Changmin do all of that to him, and all he ever does is smile it off, because he is so incredibly patient when it comes to Changmin. Yunho would never hit Changmin, even in a friendly way, and he prefers to be stoic.

But sometimes, Yunho gets sentimental – especially when he's had a drink or two. And while Changmin wriggles in his arms with a moan of embarrassment, from the way the corners of his lips tilt upwards and his eyes fold into half-moons, the right eye becoming smaller than the left, Yunho knows that Changmin doesn't actually mind as much as he pretends.

So Yunho hugs his bandmate from behind, holding on tight and breathing in to smell the shampoo at the nape of Changmin's neck, and he whispers quietly into Changmin's ear. "So thankful that you're here, you know?" says Yunho. "I don't know what I would have done without you."

"Sorry?" asks Changmin, glancing back at Yunho.

Yunho must be slurring for Changmin not to understand him. Plus, Yunho had never been a loud talker.

Or maybe Changmin is playing with him so that he would hear that again.

But Yunho guesses that he doesn't mind saying it again.

"I don't know what I would have done without you," repeats Yunho, a bit louder and clearer, despite his tongue twisting up slightly.

"I know, I know," says Changmin, and Yunho lets Changmin pull himself out of his arms, feeling just a little bit sad when the warmth of Changmin's body leaves his chest, but happy again as all of it returns with just one snarky joke. "I don't know what you would do without me, either."

Yunho laughs with his eyes squeezed shut, because his younger bandmate is just so funny, in ways that he will never be, and he is so glad that Changmin makes up for what he doesn't have.

 

 

Yunho feels a pang of worry that something is wrong for the first time when Changmin asks the staff, for the third time in the past week, to "raise the volume on my in-ear monitors please, I can barely hear anything."

Yunho shouldn't be concerned, because that can happen all the time, especially if they have new equipment, new staff, or a new track. But he finds himself just a little bit worried, because they are working with the same equipment, the same staff, on the same track that they had been for months. And Yunho's volume levels were set perfectly.

The suspicion grows when Yunho invites Changmin over to his house later on in the week to review some tracks that the company had given them to take a listen to. They settle down on Yunho's bed after a large dinner, which was eaten mostly by Changmin. Yunho owns a large stereo system – what musician doesn't – but he sometimes likes to cuddle up with the one person who has been a constant in his life for the last decade and then some, and do it old school.

Yunho has Changmin put one earbud in his ear and puts the other in his own ear to let him listen to a song that could possibly be in the next album. Yunho starts the song, and he's about to nod along to the rhythm, reigning in the dancer in him threatening to bust out some moves on the spot, when Changmin snatches the MP3 player out of Yunho's hands.

"Can you make it louder? I can't hear anything," complains Changmin.

Yunho is surprised, because he doesn't think it's quiet at all. And when Changmin adjusts the volume to the level that he thinks is appropriate (quite quickly, at that), it is so loud for Yunho that he immediately and reflexively takes the earbud out of his ear.

"Changmin!" shouts Yunho.

Changmin's round, doe eyes are staring right back at Yunho; the same eyes that he makes when he's just pulled a practical joke and is feigning surprise to keep Yunho from yelling at him.

"What?" asks Changmin innocently and a little too loudly, and Yunho can't tell if he's acting or not. If he is, Changmin has improved so, so much over the years.

Yunho decides to give him the benefit of the doubt. "Never mind," mumbles Yunho. He picks up the earbud that he had thrown onto the bed again. But the music is still too loud, and Yunho can't put it fully in his ear.

He looks up at Changmin to see that his earbud is still secured in his ear, and Changmin is starting to bob his head up and down in appreciation of the song. Changmin's lopsided smile appears again and Yunho still has no idea if that was a joke.

 

 

Another week passes, and Yunho is worried. More than worried. He can't stop thinking about it. And when he walks in on Changmin blaring music much too loudly in the practice room as he goes over a dance is when Yunho's heart drops. And he knows that there is definitely something wrong.

He walks into the room and turns off the music abruptly, cutting Changmin off in the middle of the dance. Changmin has obviously been working very hard, because he's drenched. Sweat is literally dripping down his face, and Yunho is even more scared.

For the first time in his life, Jung Yunho wants to be wrong.

Changmin frowns, and looks the slightest bit annoyed. "What?"

Yunho can guess what he's thinking. The only time Yunho does this is when Changmin is doing something very wrong. Changmin probably thinks Yunho is there to criticize, and that he has been practicing something wrong for the last three hours.

"Um…" begins Yunho, unsure of what to say to him to address his concern. Changmin raises his eyebrows and leans forward to catch Yunho's speech and Yunho clears his throat. "Your dance is good," he says, at least clearing what must be on the younger's mind.

Changmin straightens up again and crosses his arms. "Then what do you want?" And there it is again. Changmin's voice is just a little bit too loud for this room which is completely silent and empty except the two of them.

"Changmin," says Yunho, taking him by the arm. Changmin frowns as Yunho takes a deep breath. "Can we talk?"

Changmin rolls his eyes but he lets Yunho guide him to a chair. Changmin sits while Yunho fetches another chair from across the room and drags it over to Changmin, so that Yunho doesn't have to hover over Changmin standing, or be sitting at Changmin's feet. Changmin is taking a long drink out of his water bottle when Yunho sits down and takes a deep breath. Yunho doesn't speak until Changmin finishes drinking and puts the water bottle down.

When he does, Yunho clears his throat.

"Changmin, is there anything you want to tell me?" asks Yunho seriously.

If Changmin is playing yet another joke on him, now would be the time to confess. If Changmin has been to the doctor and was told that it was nothing to be worried about, now would be time to let Yunho know.

"Uh –" says Changmin, frowning. He contemplates – or he looks like he does, anyway. Changmin is looking a bit serious too, now, as Yunho's face falls, thinking that he must have done something to disappoint the leader that he hadn't been aware of. Yunho knows that Changmin is racking his brains for anything that can possibly have happened. Missed practices, late schedules, sleeping in, being outside with a girl, saying something wrong on a show. Changmin returns with nothing. "Um… No?"

Changmin shuffles his feet and clasps his hands together. "Did I do something wrong?" asks Changmin. Yunho can see Changmin's fingernails digging into the flesh of his thumb out of nervousness. Changmin licks his dry lips, and that's when Yunho knows.

Yunho shakes his head. "No, Changmin, you didn't."

Changmin relaxes slightly, but Yunho knows Changmin shouldn't be relaxing. If anything, Yunho wishes that Changmin had just made some simple mistake. Then Yunho would say some sharp words as leader, then give him a hug as hyung, and then they would both get over it together. But this – Yunho doesn't know what was happening.

"I'm just –" Yunho doesn't even know where to start. "Changmin, I have a question."

Changmin nods easily. "Shoot."

"Have you noticed… by any chance… that…" Yunho says hesitantly. He doesn't even know whether he wants to continue. But he does. He has to. "That you haven't been able to… to hear as well as you used to?"

Changmin frowns. "What?"

"Changmin," says Yunho again, seriously. "Changmin, I think there's something wrong with your hearing."

Changmin freezes up. For a little while, his fingers stop fiddling and his feet stop moving. But then Changmin lets out a nervous laugh.

"What are you talking about?"

Yunho swallows. "Have you not noticed anything over the last couple of weeks? That you were listening to music at higher volumes you used to, or that you – you can't hear small sounds?"

Changmin frowns, his mouth falling open a little bit.

He is thinking. He is thinking back to the rehearsals when he asked the staff to raise the volume, the times when he missed phone calls even though his ringer was on, and perhaps the fact that sound of water leaking in his bathroom stopped bothering him.

His face contorts more and more as time goes on, and he looks absolutely horrified.

Changmin's looking blankly at the wall in front of him when Yunho speaks.

"Changmin."

Changmin swallows.

And then he starts looking around the room. Yunho doesn't know what Changmin's looking for, but he evidently doesn't find what he's looking for. He then looks over at Yunho.

"W-What is this, some sort of prank?" asks Changmin, his voice shaking.

"No," says Yunho, shaking his head. He reaches for Changmin's hand. "No, it's not, I –"

"Okay," says Changmin. He pulls his hand away before Yunho can touch it, and he looks like he might start crying or laughing. It's hard to tell. "Okay, Hyung, I'm sorry. I know I've pulled a lot on you over the years, but – but I would really appreciate it if you would stop now, because – because – you're scaring me."

Yunho almost gives him, almost tells him that this is a joke. And Yunho wishes more than anything that it were.

"I would never joke around about something like this, Changmin. You know that."

Changmin stares at Yunho, for a long, long time, and then he looks away.

Changmin lets out a long breath, and then he swallows and stands up from the chair. His hand trembles a little as he moves the chair aside.

"I don't have time for this, Hyung," says Changmin, just a little coldly. "I'm fine."

"Changmin."

Changmin puts the chair away and walks to the stereo to turn the music back on. He looks back at Yunho one more time.

"Can I get back to practice now?" he asks, still not looking at Yunho.

Yunho nods hesitantly, and Changmin turns his back on Yunho again. He picks up the MP3 player.

Yunho also stands to move his chair out of the way of Changmin's dance practice, but then grasping at straws, Yunho whispers to Changmin quietly.

"Changmin, look at me if you can hear me."

Please prove me wrong. Please, please, please. Please.

Please have heard that. Please.

Changmin doesn't turn around to look at him.

 

 

Changmin carries on with practice, completely ignoring every word that Yunho said, and even ignoring that Yunho is even there, watching Changmin practicing the entire time. When he finishes after the better part of three hours is when Changmin turns to Yunho. And when he opens his mouth to talk to Yunho, he speaks so normally that Yunho is not sure if he just imagined the conversation that they had just a couple hours prior.

"I've technically scheduled singing practice to begin now," says Changmin.

Yunho nods. "Okay."

"You don't technically have to stay to watch," says Changmin, looking at him meaningfully.

Yunho doesn't say anything. Yunho also doesn't move.

"I guess you didn't get the hint," says Changmin. He points to the door. "That would be your cue to leave."

Yunho crosses his arms and pouts. "But I don't want to."

Changmin rolls his eyes.

"It's going to be boring. I'm just going to be working on techniques today."

"I have nothing better to do," insists Yunho.

Changmin narrows his eyes. "Why don't you do your own practicing? Or go out with some friends or something?"

"Because I'm tired," says Yunho. "And you're my best friend."

Changmin lets out a snort, but there's a small smile around his lips. So Changmin feigns a sigh before nodding. "Fine. I'm going to move to a room with a piano though. You're going to have to move."

Yunho is okay with that. So he follows Changmin to a different room.

Soon, Changmin gets into place in front of the piano.

The key sounds as Changmin plays a single note.

It seems like Changmin is completely taken aback by the sound he hears – or doesn't hear. He plunks down the key a little harder. The note sounds again, a little louder. But Changmin's still flustered.

"Is the soft pedal on?" asks Changmin desperately, looking under him.

It's not. Yunho doesn't point it out, but Changmin sees that. Something seems to have hit Changmin very hard. He lets out a deep breath.

"Right," says Changmin. He looks a bit lost as he stands. "Um… I think… I think that's enough work for the day."

There is a bit of a silence when they both take in what just happened. Then Changmin stands, as if nothing is wrong. "Okay. Um… I'm headed out then."

Yunho stands hesitantly as well. "Are you headed home for the night?"

Changmin nods. "Yeah." He starts packing up.

Yunho watches the younger for a moment, then speaks carefully.

"Can I come over to your house tonight?" asks Yunho.

Changmin looks at him suspiciously. "Why?"

"It's been a while since we've slept in the same room."

Changmin narrows his eyes. "We slept in the same room two weeks ago in Japan."

Yunho isn't a very good liar.

"I'm worried about you," confesses Yunho.

Changmin snorts, and rolls his eyes. "I'm fine, Hyung."

"So humour me," says Yunho. "I'm not fine. I'm worried."

Changmin sighs and groans, as if Yunho is being the biggest nuisance that he can possibly think of. When Yunho continues to look up (yes, up) at the younger as pathetically as he can muster is when Changmin gives in.

"All right," sighs Changmin. "But you're ordering food for the night."

Yunho nods vigorously. "Deal."

 

 

Changmin doesn't act any differently with Yunho that night, joking and laughing with him. It seems to Yunho that Changmin thinks absolutely nothing is wrong, although it bears down on Yunho's chest quite a bit. Changmin's appetite is still the same, and he eats almost two thirds of the pizza.

"What do you want to do now?" asks Changmin after they've finished eating on the couch. Changmin stretches out, then rubbing his belly contently.

Yunho wants to talk. He wants to talk, but Changmin obviously doesn't.

"Do you feel like watching a movie?" asks Changmin without really giving Yunho a chance to suggest anything.

"I guess," says Yunho slowly. The reluctant answer is all that Changmin needs to grab the remote from the table and turn the TV on. Yunho isn't sure if Changmin just wants to watch TV to keep Yunho from talking to him. By the way that Changmin is so focused on the TV, Yunho guesses that he's right.

Changmin sets the volume. Yunho is carefully watching, and so is Changmin. Changmin fiddles with the volume for quite a while, with more care than is natural. When he settles at a volume, it's a little bit too loud for Yunho, but not overly so. But by the way Changmin starts leaning closer and closer forward to the TV, Yunho guesses that it's a bit too quiet for Changmin.

Changmin doesn't talk, but Yunho can tell that Changmin is troubled. Changmin's not focusing much on the movie, either. He tilts his head to the side, his eyes glazing over, and he's clearly thinking. He drums his fingers against the side of the couch, and he fidgets with his foot nervously. They're not even halfway through the movie when Changmin turns off the TV and stands.

"I'm sorry," he says, shaking his head. "I'm really tired. Can we go to bed?"

Yunho can never say no to Changmin. "Don't be sorry," he says. That's all he always says when Changmin apologizes. Changmin should never be sorry, because there is nothing that Changmin could do that Yunho wouldn't forgive him for before the words 'sorry' leaves Changmin's mouth. "Yeah. Go to bed."

"All right. I'll bring you a pillow and some sheets." Changmin smiles forcefully. "Good night."

Yunho's not quite sure if he'll have a good night, but wishes Changmin would. "Sleep tight."

 

 

Yunho wakes in the middle of the night.

It's still dark. He's not sure why he woke. Yunho looks up at the clock. 2:48AM. Yunho lets his head fall back again to the makeshift pillow. He crosses his arms and closes his eyes again. He almost falls back asleep when he hears a small tinker of something from somewhere in the room.

Yunho looks around from where he's lying on the couch with a confused frown to realize that there is light coming out from under Changmin's door. He sits up, and a there is a different sound this time, a knock, knuckles on wood, soft at first, then gradually louder until it hits a certain volume, and it stops.

Yunho sits up.

He then hears fingers snapping, quietly at first, and then louder and louder, and that stops too.

Yunho isn't sure whether or not he should go check on Changmin. He wants to, of course, but he isn't sure if he'll actually be any help. Changmin seems to be testing his hearing, and Yunho doesn't want to interfere. Not if this is going to help Changmin come to terms with what is happening.

Yunho then hears a song start playing, which he recognizes as one of their own. It's quiet at first, then it goes up to a reasonable volume before it's shut off. And Yunho hears a muffled growl of anger that could only be from Changmin, and then he hears shattering glass. And that's when he pushes the sheets aside and gets to his feet. He hesitates before turning the doorknob slowly and stepping carefully into Changmin's room.

Changmin doesn't hear Yunho. Instead, he busies himself, maneuvering around the mess that he has made in his room; a mess like nothing that Yunho has ever seen before in Changmin's room. Changmin's hand trembles as he reaches for a music box on the bedside table, probably given to him by a fan. Yunho watches as Changmin winds the key, and when he lets go, the music box starts playing. The bells tinkling softly, playing a soft, soothing melody – until Changmin holds it up closer to his ears. "This doesn't work either," he whispers. "Nothing is working." Changmin is obviously crying, because Yunho can hear those shuddering breaths. Changmin holds the music box up to his ear for a bit longer, and then he lets out a sigh of pure frustration before he goes back to winding up the key angrily, almost breaking it off in his haste and vigor.

The music box plays the same melody, and Changmin holds it up against his ear again. He takes a few deep breaths before his fingers turn white as he grips it hard, and his face is red. Then, to Yunho's shock, Changmin hurls the music box across the room with a shout of rage. It hits the wall with an almighty crash and falls to the floor, and Yunho jumps in shock, never having seen Changmin lose control like that.

"Changmin!" he shouts. Changmin finally turns around and faces the doorway, where Yunho is standing. His breaths are uneven, and his face is wet with tears and sweat. His eyes are glaring.

Changmin is angry.

Yunho finds himself cower under Changmin's gaze and looks instead at the box that Changmin had just thrown against the wall.

It's silent.

"It's broken," snaps Changmin. He glares at Yunho. "It won't play. It's fucking useless."

Yunho doesn't know how to respond.

"All of this," says Changmin, shaking his head. His face contorts as he tries to keep himself from sobbing. "Nothing sounds like it should."

"Changmin…"

"My ears are fine. Perfect," grinds out Changmin. "It's everything else that's wrong. Everything else is fucking wrong."

Changmin runs his hand across his face, wiping some of the tears there before staring down at Yunho. "You're wrong," he says, looking at Yunho with a fire in his eyes that he had never looked at him with before. "You're completely wrong. I am a fucking musician. My ears are fine. Fine."

Yunho looks at his bandmate in the eyes, suddenly, all of the emotion in his dark eyes hit him.

Changmin is devastated. And more than anything, he's scared to death.

Changmin knows music. Music is all he knows. He knows how to make music, to perform music, and to appraise music. And that is all he has known since he was a young boy. He had made a career of it when he was so young that he really doesn't know anything else. And his eyes, the eyes that always hold a twinkle of mischief, positivity and passion, suddenly hold anger and fear.

Changmin is shaking.

"I can't hear anything," says Changmin quietly. "I didn't understand anything when we watched the movie earlier."

He looks up and glares at Yunho. "You were yelling for me the entire night, weren't you?"

Yunho wets his lips nervously. He doesn't want to get Changmin down any more than he already is, so he decides to shake his head. "No, Changmin, I –"

"You're still yelling for me now!" shouts Changmin, taking a step back from Yunho. He tears his gaze away from Yunho to glare at everything else in the room. "I can't hear shit. I can't hear anything, the music box, the radio, tapping on walls – I hear nothing! I – am going – fucking – deaf!"

Changmin grabs a pen from his desk, bangs it against the desk a few times to hear the sound it makes, then throws it as hard as he can across the room, missing Yunho's head narrowly. He lets out a sob, and shelves and empties an entire rack of CDs onto the floor. "All of this is fucking garbage, fucking – useless –"

As Yunho stands still, stunned, shards of broken plastic and glass continue to litter the floor. It wasn't until Changmin walks over the debris in his bare feet, not even minding, is when Yunho comes to his senses and steps in.

"Changmin!" shouts Yunho, trying to still keep the tone of voice as calm as he can, despite the raised voice. He rushes to Changmin in his moment of clear thought and grabs him by his arms. Changmin isn't happy with that.

"Let go!" he screams.

"Changmin, stop it, you're going to hurt yourself!"

"Get – the fuck – out!"

"Calm d –"

Yunho doesn't expect the sound of knuckles on flesh or the sudden pain at his face as Changmin's fist drives into the side of Yunho's face. Yunho stumbles back, letting go of Changmin and holding his face instead. He sees stars, and soon, he tastes blood.

Yunho lets out a breath, and can hardly even believe what just happened.

Changmin just punched him.

He swallows and looks up at Changmin.

Changmin looks horrified, like he also can't believe that he has just done. He is frozen in space, his hand still balled up into a fist, knuckles raw and bleeding.

The two of them are both so shocked that they don't even move. They just look into each other's eyes, the emotions much too complicated to describe, and they stare, neither willing to move, until Yunho swallows and nods.

"Okay," Yunho says calmly. He takes a step back. If Changmin needs his space right now, he would give it. He turns around to leave the room when he feels a hand grip his own.

"Wait," whimpers Changmin. "H-Hyung."

Yunho looks to Changmin again. "Yeah," he says easily. He doesn't know how to react anymore.

"I – I'm so sorry," he says, shaking his head, still unable to believe himself. "I'm so sorry. Hyung, I – I'm so sorry."

New tears well up in Changmin's eyes, and Yunho's heart breaks.

Yunho shakes his head and walks towards Changmin and frames Changmin's face with his hands. He wipes away his tears with his thumbs before embracing the younger in his arms, who begins to sob passionately. "It's okay," whispers Yunho. "Don't be sorry. It's okay, Min. Don't be sorry."

Changmin coughs. "Can't hear you," gasps Changmin through his tears. "Can't hear what you just said."

Yunho pulls away from Changmin just a little bit so that Changmin can see him. Yunho wipes the tears from Changmin's eyes.

"Did you say 'don't be sorry'?" whispers Changmin.

Yunho nods where Changmin can see him, and Changmin laughs a bit through his tears.

Yunho embraces Changmin in his arms tightly again, trying to get across to him that he was right here for him, now and always, as he has been for the last twelve years.

 

 

Yunho doesn't take care of the cut on his lip until after Changmin has finished crying, by which point the sun has begun to seep in between the curtains. Changmin is exhausted, having used up so much energy crying. And even before Yunho puts him down on his bed, Changmin is already falling asleep in Yunho's arms, face turning into Yunho's chest.

Changmin is leaking tears out of the corner of his eye even as he sleeps. Yunho can't do anything except wipe at his eyes carefully and gently before setting Changmin's head down on the pillow. Yunho sighs and runs his hand over Changmin's cheek, feeling his heart break. He pushes Changmin's hair back out of his eyes and pulls the blanket up over his shoulders. Yunho hopes that there will never be a day when he will tell his bandmate who has become more than just a bandmate – had become a friend, a companion, and a brother – I love you and not have him hear it.

Yunho doesn't sleep that day, because he doesn't want Changmin to be alone when he wakes. So instead, he busies himself cleaning the mess that Changmin has made in his room the night before. Yunho hesitates, knowing that Changmin hates it when Yunho touches his things, but Yunho also knows that he hates it when his room is messy. So he picks up the pens and papers strewn over the floor and places them on his desk. Changmin has broken the plastic cases to many of his CDs, but he puts it together as much as he can and organizes it on the shelves. He maneuvers carefully around the broken glass. It isn't long until he reaches the music box and the dent in the wall that it had left.

He runs his finger over the dent, the beige paint cracking into the wall, the rough, white drywall showing underneath. He hopes that Changmin will never want to do this again. He also hopes that Changmin's landlord won't mind.

He bends down carefully to pick up the music box.

It had been open when Changmin had thrown it, the metal apparatus bent as it was exposed to the full impact of the blow. It doesn't look salvageable, but it doesn't look horribly disfigured, nor is it in pieces. It is still rather nice to look at, save for the paint that was taken off on one corner of it.

Yunho doesn't know if Changmin will want to keep it. Yunho doesn't dare try to see if it works in fear of waking Changmin, even though he knows the younger wouldn't be able to hear it.

Yunho leaves the music box on the table that it was on before, and decides to let Changmin make the decision.

Changmin wakes in the evening, and Yunho still hasn't left Changmin's side. He's sitting on the floor by Changmin's bed, thumbing mindlessly at the hem of his shirt when he hears the crinkling of the blankets as Changmin begins to stir. Yunho turns his head to watch Changmin wake up.

Changmin takes a deep breath through his nose, which still sounds a little bit stuffy, and lets out the entire breath. He groans and moves around a bit before finally opening his eyes. His eyes are blank until they land on Yunho.

Changmin stares a bit, clearly not having expected Yunho to be there.

And then his face falls.

"It wasn't a dream, was it?" asks Changmin quietly.

Yunho bites his lip and shakes his head.

"I wish it were."

 

 

Changmin spends a lot of time away from Yunho for the next couple days.

Changmin goes into the office, but he's never spending time practicing. Yunho knows that Changmin went into the hospital, but knows that nothing good came of it, since Changmin didn't give Yunho any updates.

Changmin doesn't spend much time around Yunho, but he does spend a lot of time with Kyuhyun, who Yunho sometimes thinks Changmin feels more comfortable around than Yunho.

Yunho isn't hurt. Changmin certainly has his reasons for keeping Yunho away and Kyuhyun close. He is sure that there are things that Kyuhyun can give to Changmin that he can't.

But he does worry. He is worried that Kyuhyun won't be proper enough support for Changmin, and that Changmin might need someone less busy, and more level-headed than Kyuhyun, and maybe someone who wouldn't let Changmin drink to unconsciousness.

But Yunho doesn't want to interfere, so he doesn't. He does keep a careful eye on Changmin, and makes sure that there is someone with him at night who can keep an eye on him. Kyuhyun does, at least it seems, since Yunho sees them driving off together at night.

When Kyuhyun goes off to Taiwan for the next few days for a concert is when Yunho finally steps in.

For the first time in days, Yunho finally approaches Changmin as he sits blankly in a practice room one morning. As always, Changmin isn't practicing. But he's just sitting there. And when Yunho approaches him, Changmin sort of turns his head away with a grimace, like he doesn't want to see Yunho's face. That makes Yunho be a bit more careful when he talks to Changmin next.

"Do you want to get lunch with me?" asks Yunho with a smile.

Changmin shakes his head. "Not really."

Yunho is momentarily hurt. But then he nods. "Okay," he says. "Then can I come over to your house tonight, and –"

"Hyung," says Changmin, sounding annoyed, cutting him off.

Yunho freezes. He suddenly has his heart in his throat, and his face flushes. Did he do something wrong? Is he being too protective? Is Changmin angry at him?

"Just…"

Changmin swallows.

"C… Can you leave me alone… for just one night?" asks Changmin. "I just want to go home and rest, and think, and sleep."

Yunho lets out a breath.

Maybe he is being too protective after all. Maybe Changmin has a good handle on this after all.

Yunho doesn't want to leave Changmin alone, but he also respects him enough to know that he is able to make his own decisions.

"All right," says Yunho after a little bit of deliberation. "But you have to answer my calls, okay?"

Changmin nods and stands. "Okay. I'm going to go. Have a good day."

"You too, Changmin," says Yunho, but Changmin leaves the room before Yunho can even finish the sentence.

 

 

Yunho doesn't want to worry about Changmin. He knows that Changmin is not going to do anything stupid, and he knows that Changmin is an adult who can take care of himself.

Despite all of that Yunho is more worried for his bandmate than ever before. Changmin doesn't respond to Yunho's texts or calls. Clearly Changmin doesn't want to talk to him, but Yunho's is so, so worried about him that he can't focus on anything for the entire day. So six unanswered calls and eight texts later, Yunho decides to pay a visit to Changmin's apartment at night.

When Yunho reaches Changmin's apartment, he can see light coming out from under his door, so at least he knows that Changmin is home. Yunho knocks out of formality, but he would be entering the apartment even if Changmin didn't open the door with that spare key that Changmin gave him in case of emergency. And as far as Yunho is concerned, this is an emergency.

As expected, Changmin doesn't answer the door, so after a few minutes and sending a text declaring that he would be coming in, Yunho does.

Changmin isn't in his living room when Yunho steps inside the pristine apartment, careful to take his shoes off. As soon as Yunho opens the door to Changmin's bedroom though, the smell of alcohol hits him like a wall of bricks. Yunho steps in slightly, and at the sight of the youngest, his heart almost breaks.

Changmin is lying on his bed, drunk as a fish and eyes barely even focusing on Yunho. He's still dressed, clearly he himself not having expected this impromptu drinking session. He's sweating, and there are some tear tracks on his face, but they seem to have dried up. Changmin is very, very drunk, apparently too drunk to wipe his tears or even to cry anymore. He hiccups when he sees Yunho.

"H-ow d'you – hic – get in?"

"I used the key you gave me."

"O-Oh."

Yunho hears a soft thud on the floor, and he realizes that a half-empty soju bottle has slid out of Changmin's hand onto the floor to join the seven others that are already there. The drink spills out of the bottle and onto the hardwood floor.

"D'you hear that?" slurs Changmin, looking up at Yunho. "'Cause I di'n't. I di'n't hear that b-bottle hit - hic - the floor."

"You're wasted," hisses Yunho. "Of course you didn't hear that."

"What?"

Yunho realizes that he was too quiet, and he has to bite his lip for a moment not to break down completely.

"You're drunk, of course you can't hear as well," said Yunho, clearer.

Changmin shakes his head, his eyes rolling back as he does so.

"Couldn't 'ear the phone all day, either," Changmin says. "Wasn't even - hic - drunk then."

"Changmin…"

Changmin leans his head over the pillow and closes his eyes. "So sleepy."

Yunho bites his lip, then he sits down on Changmin's bed. "Are you going to change out of your clothes?" he says, brushing away Changmin's sweaty fringes from his eyes.

Changmin shakes his head. "Too - hic - tired."

"Okay," says Yunho. He can help the younger change out of his sweat-soaked clothes after he's fallen asleep. The last thing he wanted was for Changmin to get sick from sleeping in wet clothes.

Changmin moans and turns over. It isn't long until he's snoring.

Yunho sighs and wipes the sweat from Changmin's forehead.

The talk can wait until tomorrow morning.

Changing Changmin out of his clothes was harder than Yunho remembered being. The only other time he had done it was when Changmin fell sick just after debut and they hadn't had time to take him to a hospital. To his defense, Yunho had been several inches taller than him then, and certainly bigger; now, Yunho has to tilt his head up to look at Changmin in the eye when they're speaking. Changmin's alcohol-filled dead weight is a lot heavier than Yunho expects though, and Yunho himself is as drenched as Changmin by the time he finishes changing him into a loose T-shirt and his favourite pyjama pants.

Yunho tucks Changmin in before contemplating whether he should get in the bed with Changmin, or if he should sleep on the couch.

It doesn't seem like Changmin would mind too much either way.

At first, he decides that he doesn't need Changmin screaming in shock if he happens to awake the next morning, Yunho wanders out into Changmin's living room and sits down on the couch.

But he feels horrible, leaving Changmin there in his bed alone. Yunho wants to be there if Changmin needs him in the middle of the night. So he walks back into the room, and only when he surveys the floor next to Changmin's bed does he remember that Changmin had just spilled half a bottle of soju there.

Yunho doesn't even think twice before cleaning it up.


	2. Sound

There are no surprises. Yunho wakes much earlier than his hung over bandmate, and the first thing he does is check Changmin's forehead for a fever, even though it was really Yunho who slept in his clothes. Changmin doesn't have a fever though, and Yunho is relieved for that.

Yunho doesn't really have a ton to do before Changmin wakes, besides making a few phone calls to different people in the company to let them know that Changmin is ill and Yunho is taking care of him, so neither of them will be in the office for practice today. They are of course understanding, much more so than they had been at the beginning of their career, and they even offer to send a manager along to help Changmin if he needs it. Yunho politely refuses. When he finishes the call, Changmin is still sound asleep.

Yunho scans around the room for a little bit. He notices that the dent on the wall from the other day is still there. His eyes then travel to the table, where he had put the music box on that day.

He's a bit surprised that it's still there.

He walks quietly towards it and picks it up.

Changmin hasn't fixed it. It's still bent and dented. Yunho winds the key the tiniest bit to see if it will work. He lets go. He sees a few parts moving in the box, but they're not making any sounds. Yunho isn't sure whether he should just have thrown it away.

He contemplates a little bit, then he puts it down on the table.

He then stretches, deciding that he should make himself useful while he's here.

Yunho has never been much of a cook, but he figures that Changmin would probably appreciate some food when he wakes up in the morning. So he digs through Changmin's fridge for enough ingredients to make an egg broth. He hears it's good for hangovers.

It turns out next to inedible. Cooking has never been Yunho's strong suit.

So Yunho gives up, setting the pot aside, and decides that he would rather order something after Changmin wakes. So he sits on the couch in the living room and reads a few of Changmin's magazines to pass the time.

Close to noon, he can hear Changmin stirring, and then he hears a moan come out of the bedroom. He stands so quickly that he feels lightheaded for a moment, and he very nearly runs to Changmin's side.

Changmin is stirring in his bed, hands rubbing across his face.

"Hey," says Yunho.

Changmin takes a glance up at Yunho, clearly surprised, but then sighs.

"Ugh," groans Changmin. He raises his head a millimeter, and then he winces as he plops his head back down. "My head's going to split open."

"That's what you get for drinking so much," scolds Yunho. Changmin ignores him.

"When did you get here?" drawls Changmin hoarsely.

"Last night," says Yunho, careful to be loud enough.

Changmin frowns. "How did you get in?"

"You asked me that last night," says Yunho. "I used the spare key you gave me."

"Oh," says Changmin. He massages his forehead with those long fingers. "I don't remember much about last night."

"I'm going to get you a glass of water and maybe medicine of some kind for this. Do you have any?" asks Yunho.

Changmin nods, but then squeezes his eyes shut in pain as the motion worsens the pain. "Yeah. There's a syrup drink thing in the bathroom cabinet."

Yunho stands to get the things that he said he would, and he is inwardly surprised that Changmin doesn't seem bothered by his presence. Or maybe he is too hung over to care, and is just glad to have someone take care of him right now. Yunho doesn't think he cares which one it is.

Yunho has never gotten drunk enough to need one of these medicines, so he has to read the label on several bottles before coming up with the right one. He delivers it to Changmin with the glass of water, and helps Changmin sit up so that he can actually drink. Changmin mutters a word of thanks before opening the bottle and downing the entire thing.

"I don't even think this thing works," says Changmin. His throat is still scratchy. "I think it's just sugar water."

Yunho takes the empty bottle from him silently and hands him the glass of water, which Changmin drinks up.

Changmin sighs and leans back against the headboard. A moment later, he turns to Yunho.

"Why are you here?" he asks.

"Just… got worried, because you weren't picking up your phone."

"Oh. Yeah," murmurs Changmin. "Sorry."

"Don't be sorry," says Yunho gently. That's all he ever says to Changmin when he apologizes, no matter what it is that Changmin is apologizing for. He could never, ever find it in him to be mad at Changmin. Ever. Especially not for something like this.

Changmin takes a deep breath.

"I went to the hospital, you know," says Changmin.

Yunho nods. "Yeah?"

"They couldn't figure it out," Changmin says, shaking his head. "They said everything looks okay. They don't understand."

"So they just let you come home?"

Changmin nods and lets out a dry laugh. "What else can they do?"

Yunho isn't happy. Obviously, neither is Changmin.

"They couldn't tell if it's going to stay this way or if it's going to get worse," says Changmin. He pulls his knees into his chest.

"Do you… feel differently?" asks Yunho.

Changmin sighs. "I try not to think so," he says. "But it's hard not to notice it get worse, now that I know."

Changmin takes another sip of his water. Yunho stays quiet and instead, reaches out and runs his hand up and down Changmin's thigh.

Changmin massages his head for a little bit before finally talking to Yunho.

"I still haven't told anyone else, you know," says Changmin with a small chuckle. "Not the company, not Kyuhyun, not family… anyone."

"Why not?" asks Yunho, just a little bit reproachfully. People need to know, and that means Changmin has to tell –

"I'm scared," whispers Changmin. He looks into his lap.

"What are you scared about?" asks Yunho gently.

"What?"

Yunho internally kicks himself for not speaking loudly enough. "What are you scared about?" he asks, louder.

Changmin tucks his knees under his chin. "I'm going to be disappointing so many people."

Yunho doesn't expect the words Changmin says to be those.

"W-What?" says Yunho, unable to believe what he's hearing.

Changmin finally turns to look Yunho in the eyes. "The company – I still have so many years to go on this contract, and they're going to be upset at me – and the teachers, who'd just wasted all this time trying to groom me into a musician that I'm never going to be. And then my family, they've believed in me all these years, and – and look at what's happening."

And then he's looking away again to blink away the tears.

Yunho reaches for his hand. "Hey. Don't –"

Changmin shakes his head to cut Yunho off, gripping his hand, and when he next speaks, his voice cracks.

"And more than anything, I'm so sorry, Hyung, that I haven't wanted to talk to you, but it's because every time I see your face I just – feel – so sorry, because I'm – I'm the only one you have left, and I'm leaving you too. I'm so, so, so sorry –"

Yunho feels blood draining from his face, and he feels faint. And he frowns and puts his hands over Changmin's cheeks and forces Changmin to look him in the eyes.

"Shim Changmin. If you tell me that you are sorry one more time, I'm going to be very angry at you," says Yunho seriously, and for the first time, getting upset not for, but at Changmin.

Yunho hates the idea that Changmin has been torturing himself for this. Of everything that Changmin has the right to be upset about, he's upset about this.

"Do you understand me? I don't want you to be upset for me. It is the last thing I want right now."

"But –"

"There are no buts," says Yunho firmly. "All I want out of this is for you to be okay. I want you to be healthy and happy. That is all I want, Changmin. Never forget that."

Changmin sniffles, and Yunho sighs and stands out of frustration.

Changmin looks like he might start sobbing.

"H-Hyung," he whimpers. 

Yunho doesn't look back at Changmin, ignoring his soft pleas, and walks out of the room on shaky legs. He has to grab onto the counter with his head down a little bit to try to calm himself down. He then takes a deep breath and turns to the pot of egg broth that he'd made earlier.

Yunho goes through the cabinets until he comes up with a bowl and a spoon, and he ladles some of the broth that is thinner that he would like it to be into the bowl. It's a bit cold now, but it's most likely better than nothing. He carries the bowl into the bedroom again, where Changmin is now sitting up, hugging his fluffy pillow tightly in his arms.

Yunho pulls the pillow out of Changmin's grasp and silently motions for Changmin to scoot over on the bed. Changmin does, and Yunho takes the space.

Yunho puts the bowl in Changmin's hands and wraps his arms around Changmin's shoulders. Changmin doesn't pull away this time.

"Now listen, Changmin," says Yunho, sidling up next to Changmin. "You are allowed to cry about this. You're allowed to kick and scream and cry and drink about the fact that you're losing something so important to you. But you are not allowed to cry a single tear for anyone else but yourself. Do you understand?"

Changmin bites his lip. "We might both lose our careers. And none of that is your fault."

Yunho clenches his teeth for a short while before nodding. "Maybe. But it's not your fault, either. You didn't choose this, Changmin."

He looks up at Changmin.

"It's true that I love being a musician," says Yunho. "I love making music. But it's not what defines me. And I hope it's not what defines me to my loved ones."

"What do you mean?" asks Changmin uncertainly.

Yunho doesn't really know how to explain it.

"Who am I to you?" asks Yunho. Yunho hopes Changmin doesn't say 'a musician', or 'my bandmate'.

And he doesn't. "My other half," he whispers, not really thinking. "You're a friend… a brother that I love very much."

Yunho almost feels tears. "Exactly," says Yunho, barely managing to keep his voice steady. "I would like to be remembered as a good son, a good friend, and a good brother."

He hugs Changmin close to him. Changmin cants into the hug this time, and Yunho squeezes harder.

"I don't know if you would like the same thing as I do. But you are so much more than just someone who makes music to the people who love you. As much as I am your other half, you are my other half. You are your parents' beloved son, and you are always going to be a star and a role model to your fans. You are not disappointing anyone, Changmin."

Changmin smiles, his head dipping down.

Yunho almost cries out of relief and happiness of seeing that. He had missed that crooked smile. Yunho thinks he could stare at that smile forever and be happy with nothing else.

While Changmin has his head down, he sees the broth that he'd been holding in the hand. It's definitely cold now, but Changmin slowly picks up the spoon and stirs it around.

Yunho almost extends a hand to stop Changmin from putting a spoonful of it in his mouth.

Yunho isn't even surprised when Changmin very nearly splutters.

"What did you put in here?" asks Changmin, grimacing.

"Um," says Yunho awkwardly. "Egg. And water…?"

Changmin wrinkles his nose. But he still scoops another spoonful of it into his mouth.

"You don't have to eat it," says Yunho quickly.

"Is there something better to eat?" asks Changmin skeptically.

Yunho makes to stand to reach for the phone in his pocket. "I'll order something for you."

Changmin reaches for Yunho's wrist and holds Yunho still.

"It's okay," he smiles. "This is fine."

He takes another sip of the egg broth, clearly holding in a grimace, and Yunho chuckles.

Changmin thinks of Yunho as much as Yunho thinks of Changmin. And Yunho is forever grateful.

 

 

Most days, Changmin is so depressed that he can't even get out of bed. He refuses to speak to Yunho or even look at him. He doesn't let Yunho even turn the lights on, and wouldn't even let him bring him food.

He has taken the battery from his phone, which has been ringing nonstop since he told the company that he was losing his hearing. Word is obviously getting around now, because Kyuhyun called Changmin to demand if he's okay before Changmin even told him. He's obviously not okay, because he can barely hear Kyuhyun on the phone.

All of the phone calls that would have gone to Changmin go to Yunho instead, because they know he's with him. The calls range from their friends to company representatives, from media to fans who have somehow gotten hold of their numbers. Yunho tries to answer all of them carefully if he does at all, because he doesn't want Changmin to have to worry about things like this. So when he does answer the phone, he declines to comment most of the time.

The only real conversation he has with anyone about anything is with Changmin's family. They tell Yunho that Changmin has asked them specifically not to visit, because he doesn't want to worry them. All Yunho can do is reassure them that he is doing his best to take care of their son, and that he will continue to do so. The way their voices crack as they thank him breaks his heart, but Yunho doesn't cry. He can't, because he needs to be strong for Changmin. He always has been, and he always will be.

But one night, while Yunho isn't sure whether to ask Changmin to get up and eat dinner, Changmin softly calls for Yunho from his bed. Yunho all but runs to him. When he walks into Changmin's room he's surprised to see that Changmin is sitting up.

"Yeah, Changmin."

Changmin is looking into his lap, and not looking at Yunho.

"I want to go to a concert or something," says Changmin quietly.

"Okay," says Yunho, trying to hide how stunned he is.

He is surprised that of all things that Changmin might want to do right now, he wants to go to a concert.

"Or a club, or a bar. I just want to go out where there's music."

Yunho nods, perhaps with a lot more enthusiasm than he intends.

"Okay," Yunho says. "I'll get ready."

"I want to stay out late."

"Sure. Anything you want."

"And I want a drink or two."

Yunho thinks before nodding this time. He forgot to say anything Changmin wants, except what will hurt him.

"All right," decides Yunho finally. "Just two drinks."

As Yunho gets ready, he weighs their options. Obviously they can't just walk into a concert, and a club is more or less out of the question with how famous they are. But a music café, especially at this time of night where few people will be drinking coffee, is quite reasonable in Yunho's mind. And this way, at least, Changmin will be drinking a nice, hot cup of tea instead of soju.

Changmin takes a while to get ready. He looks a lot weaker, and when Changmin stumbles trying to get a pair of sweatpants on, Yunho is scared that Changmin will collapse before he even gets to the café.

"Do you need help?" asks Yunho carefully.

Changmin shakes his head at first, because that's what he does. As much as Yunho was always strong for Changmin, Changmin was always strong for Yunho. Sure, Changmin might order Yunho around jokingly (which honestly never really took because Yunho never minded doing favours for Changmin, joke or not), but when it comes to things that matter, Changmin never asks for help, and would never even accept it.

"Actually…" says Changmin quietly. "Maybe… Maybe I'll take some help getting to the car."

"Sure," says Yunho easily as always, and turns around and kneels on the floor to offer his back to Changmin. Changmin's arms wrap around his shoulders and his chest presses against his back and Yunho is momentarily shocked by how thin he has become.

Yunho stands with Changmin on his back, and is again surprised by how light he is. And that hurts more than Yunho expects.

Yunho isn't doing a very good job for someone who's promised to take care of Changmin.

"I'm sorry," whispers Yunho as Changmin's chin goes to rest on his shoulder.

There's no response from Changmin.

Yunho is sure that Changmin didn't hear that.

It doesn't take much effort on Yunho's part to carry Changmin down to the underground parking lot. It's dark, save for the few dim lights attracting flies and moths. Yunho carries Changmin through the empty parking lot, both of them inevitably praying that they don't run into anyone on their way to Changmin's car, when Changmin suddenly tightens his hold on Yunho.

"Wait."

Yunho stops dead in his tracks.

"What's wrong?"

"I thought I saw someone with a camera," says Changmin slowly.

Yunho frowns. "Where?"

"Over there, between – between that black car and the red one," says Changmin, pointing.

Yunho turns his head to investigate, and as soon as he does, he sees a flash blind his vision for a split second. And before he can fully even orient himself, he hears footsteps, and a dark figure runs in the opposite direction for the exit.

"Did he get a picture?" asks Changmin, clearly panicked. "Did he – just – "

The answer is probably yes. The paparazzi – or, more like stalkers – have been on them just as much as sasaeng fans if not worse. They have a false sense of entitlement. As bad as they are, at least sasaengs know that what they're doing is wrong deep down; the paparazzi believe with their entire being that what they do is appropriate and completely within reason. And with what they've managed to get pictures of in the past on them and on others, Changmin's panic is completely justified. Yunho is angrier than he maybe should be at the sight. He hates that the picture will probably show up in the entertainment section of some newspaper, and he hates that they think what Changmin's going through right now is entertainment.

This is not entertainment.

Yunho has to bite his lip in order not to start shaking with anger. He counts in his head as much as he can, and then he hoists Changmin up higher before continuing to walk to Changmin's car silently. Yunho puts Changmin down when they reach Changmin's car. Yunho puts Changmin in the passenger seat – Changmin shouldn't drive, not in this state – and gets into the driver's seat himself.

Once they're both in the car, calm enough to take even breaths, Yunho looks at Changmin.

"You okay?" asks Yunho.

Yunho himself is angry; there is no way Changmin could be okay.

But Changmin nods slowly.

"You know," says Changmin thoughtfully, "I'm more okay than you might think."

Those words are all that Yunho needs to hear to feel a thousand times lighter.

Changmin then lets out a deep breath and leans back against the headrest.

Yunho runs his hand over the steering wheel, feeling the soft leather on his palm. He's ready to drive at Changmin's word.

But Changmin doesn't give it.

Instead, he turns to face Yunho. And there's that silly little smile again.

Yunho feels his own lips turning upwards.

"This is nice," muses Changmin.

Yunho is glad.

"Shall we get moving, then?" asks Changmin.

Yunho nods. "Where to?"

Yunho secretly hopes that Changmin would say that he doesn't care, so that Yunho can take him to a café instead of a bar.

Changmin tilts his head to the side. "You know that place by the river?"

Yunho swallows. He thinks he remembers a bar that Changmin enjoyed in particular. "Um… That… that bar?" he asks.

But Changmin shakes his head. "No. I mean that one road with the trees and street lamps. And you can see the river from the curb and the bridge and the lights? The one where all the cars park on the curb?"

"The one you used to take your dates on?"

Changmin shoots him a glare. "That's the one. The same one you recommended after taking your own dates on."

Yunho supposes Changmin has the better of him.

"I thought you wanted to go to a bar."

"I said I wanted to go somewhere with music."

Yunho is confused.

"I don't think there will be any on that road. Unless there happens to be a street musician there."

Changmin raises an eyebrow. "I had no idea that the speakers in the car were broken."

Changmin does have the better of him.

Again.

 

 

They arrive by the river banks in silence.

Yunho parks the car under the starry night sky and reflected lights on the waves of the river.

Changmin hadn't let Yunho turn the music on during the drive here, for whatever reason. And now, as Yunho reaches for the dial to turn the music on, Changmin slaps his hand.

"I said no."

Yunho wants to pout and tell Changmin how hypocritical he's being, but really, Changmin's allowed to do whatever he wants right now. So he pulls his hand back and crosses his arms.

After a while of silence, Changmin lets out a deep breath.

"You know why I wanted to come out today, right?"

Yunho doesn't. Yunho doesn't know why Changmin suddenly wanted to come out today.

Yunho doesn't want to guess and get it wrong, so he shakes his head.

Changmin looks away from Yunho and through the windshield at the bright, silver moon that reflects on Changmin's large, brown eyes. Changmin takes a few tries to speak, and when he does, it's only after he's blinked away the tears.

"So my hearing's getting worse by the day," says Changmin. "And I wanted to listen to music while I could. Because I never will be able to again."

Yunho turns his head to look at him. He's not quite sure what he should say.

"But I guess silence is nice too," says Changmin slowly.

Yunho nods. He guesses Changmin is right.

Sound is nice. But so is silence.

"I was so upset about it that I didn't even want to leave my bed. And I wanted to just waste away… and… and maybe if God were merciful, he would take me to heaven before I lost my hearing completely."

Yunho stares at Changmin, feeling a chill down his spine. That Changmin was thinking this way and Yunho never knew it shakes him.

"Changmin, I told you, there are people who love you, you – "

"I know I have people who love me regardless of whether or not I can hear. And I'm thankful," says Changmin, raising a hand to silence Yunho. "But I don't love myself. I feel like I won't exist. I feel like my soul has been taken from me. I'm – I'm useless."

Yunho finds himself chewing on the inside of his cheek. He doesn't have anything to say to Changmin because he can't tell Changmin how to feel about himself.

"And now I have to find another purpose in my life," says Changmin, almost annoyed. "Because I don't want to just exist."

Changmin goes silent and Yunho doesn't know what to do for him. Yunho also doesn't know what to do about this pain of his heart being cut out of his chest.

"I am so scared of the day I'm going to wake up and realize that the last time I heard music was the night before," whispers Changmin. "And honestly, I'm not even sure that I want to live in a world without music. I can't think of a single thing worse than losing my hearing."

A tear falls from Changmin's eye. Yunho wants to hug Changmin for being so brave all this time, for holding in the tears for so long. Changmin only speaks after chewing on his lip for a while.

"And if it weren't for you staying around my apartment and bothering me from time to time, I might really have killed myself."

Yunho freezes once more, because the very thought of Changmin not being in the world is unimaginable. Yunho would probably go after Changmin, because he would miss Changmin too much.

"But I couldn't because you were here, and I couldn't leave you alone. Not after everyone else kept leaving you, too," whispers Changmin.

He holds out his hand to grasp onto Yunho's. Yunho takes his hand in his own shaking ones. Yunho feels a tear roll down his own cheek, and Yunho hopes that Changmin didn't see it. Because Jung Yunho doesn't cry, and Jung Yunho needs to pretend to be strong for Changmin, like he always has.

But maybe Changmin knows of his vulnerabilities better than Yunho thinks he does, because it's Changmin who squeezes with his hand.

"I might not be able to help you as a co-worker anymore," says Changmin, "but I promise I'll never leave you to be alone. Because I have just realized… that silence is nice too."

Yunho doesn't think Changmin realizes that this would be the second time that Changmin saved his life.

 

 

Planning one last album or one last concert before Changmin's departure is impossible; there is too little time, at the rate Changmin's hearing is deteriorating. But a fan meet is not impossible. And Changmin wants to be the first to tell the fans, not newspapers and rumours; so he asks the company to please schedule one as soon as they can.

They both know that this fan meet is probably going to be the last time that they will be on stage together. And probably the last time Changmin will be performing in an official capacity.

So after the company schedules a very short-notice fan meet, they get back to the office to practice.

It's soon evident that Changmin won't be singing. He can't hear enough to sing.

But he can still dance, with just the beats blasting in his in-ears and watching Yunho's shadows to keep the time.

Changmin is disappointed, and for good reason, but he doesn't necessary seem sad, until the dress rehearsal. He thumbs at the microphone, and his stage outfit, and at a pearl red light stick. Yunho approaches him from behind and wraps an arm around his waist.

"You okay?" asks Yunho.

Changmin turns to him. "What?"

Yunho repeats himself, practically shouting now for Changmin to be able to hear him.

Changmin smiles. "I'm perfect."

 

 

The performances go as well as they could have hoped. Changmin doesn't make a single mistake, and Yunho tries to just enjoy this moment.

He tries to enjoy the last moment that he would be standing on stage with his other half.

And to his surprise, he does. He doesn't forget that this is the last. But he still does enjoy the performance. It seems to celebrate Changmin's talent, hard work and dedication more than mark the end of his career.

Changmin seems to feel the same way, because a smile doesn't leave his face, even when they're performing their most charismatic and intense songs.

It isn't until the end of the meet that Changmin shows any kind of sadness at all.

"Thank you so much for your love and support over the years," says Changmin, his eyes glistening with tears again. "I may not be able to hear your cheers anymore, but I promise to carry your beautiful support in my heart forever."

They can't really see the crowd because of the lighting, but Yunho knows by the sounds that they're crying. Changmin probably can't hear them, but he can still feel the hot tears in the room, evidently, because he holds the microphone near his mouth again.

"I have just one favour before I leave," he says. "Please see me off with smiles instead of tears. Be happy forever, because you all deserve it. Now please, smile for me!"

And then Changmin waves his arms and asks the staff to shine the spotlights away from him and at the crowd instead.

Changmin puts his hand over his heart and etches the faces as much as he can into his heart.

The faces that are smiling up at him and his legacy.

 

 

Changmin completely loses his hearing in a matter of weeks after that. No matter how loudly Yunho shouts for Changmin, he can't hear.

Yunho would be lying if he said that he wasn't dreading this moment in fear that Changmin would lose himself completely. But Changmin seems at peace.

Changmin goes to sign language school during the day, and then goes into the company to watch Yunho dance in the evening. Then he makes Yunho come to his apartment at night so he can teach Yunho what he learned at sign language school that day.

Changmin learns at lightning speed, being as smart and driven as he is. And with his expressions of exasperation and frustration at Yunho's slower speed of learning, Yunho finds himself equally as motivated to learn sign language.

And one day as Yunho goes into Changmin's apartment to learn for the night, Changmin's sporting a smile brighter than Yunho's seen in a while. Changmin looks genuinely happy with himself as he sits on his bed with the music box in his hands. Yunho's throat almost closes up.

"I got it fixed. I thought the fan would be upset if she knew that it was broken. It's not bent anymore," says Changmin with a genuine smile. "Take a listen."

Changmin winds the key, and when he finishes, he lets go.

It's still silent.

Yunho raises his eyebrows. Yunho isn't sure who it was that Changmin took to get it fixed, but he is almost angry at the fact that he cheated Changmin using the fact that he is deaf.

"Still nice, isn't it?" asks Changmin in what seems like awe, looking inside the box to watch the parts move.

And Yunho finds that it is still nice. Changmin's smile is still nice as Changmin watches instead of hears.

It's just as nice as when it used to make music.

So Yunho nods.

It's beautiful, signs Yunho.

Changmin beams.

 

 

The music box stays on Changmin's table, and Yunho sometimes catches Changmin winding it up and looking inside at the moving parts, and looking so happy with himself.

Changmin hasn't found something stable to do yet, but he is working. Volunteering, more like. And Yunho thinks Changmin is going to end up doing this as a job eventually. He never expected Changmin to bounce back so quickly, but miraculously, he has.

Changmin is so incredibly strong and determined. He always has been.

And today, Yunho looks on from the doorway silently and discreetly as Changmin works.

There is a young girl in the white hospital bed next to where Changmin is sitting. Her pillow is soaked with tears, and she's barely able to control her tears.

These are not happy tears like Yunho and Changmin are used to when they meet young girls her age.

These are sad tears. These are defeated tears.

I heard you're having a hard time, writes Changmin.

The girl nods silently.

I used to be a musician, writes Changmin.

The girl nods, wiping tears from her eyes. "I used to be a fan."

Will you write that for me? I can't hear you either, writes Changmin, even though Yunho knows he knows how to read lip enough by now to be able to understand what the girl said. The girl nods and takes the pen from Changmin. She does.

Changmin's features fold into a frown as she finishes writing.

Used to? Demands Changmin.

When I could hear you, writes the girl, looking a bit guilty.

Yunho bites his bottom lip between his teeth. He isn't sure who he feels more heartbroken for.

Changmin makes a face. But do you still like me?

"Yes," she says, her own cracking a little. "I still like you."

Changmin smiles. That means my hearing and my voice didn't define me, writes Changmin. I am more than my hearing. Even though I was a musician in the past.

The girl frowns thoughtfully. Changmin wipes the leftover tears on her face with his fingers.

The girl shies away and finally cracks a tearful smile, but Changmin and Yunho both know now that she's thinking, and she will continue to think. Changmin flips the page on the notebook and writes again.

You liked my face, too, let's face it.

The girl is laughing now, and Yunho rolls his eyes.

Changmin and the girl talk (write) a little more with each other before Changmin pats her head and stands to leave. The girl opens her arms for a hug before Changmin leaves, and Changmin gives one to her. And Yunho can tell it's heartfelt.

Changmin is still the same.

Yunho rounds the corner so that Changmin can't see him as he comes out of the room. Changmin gives a little shout of surprise when he finally spots Yunho.

"I didn't know you were here!" he exclaims.

I came to see you, signs Yunho.

"I don't need you," says Changmin.

Yunho pulls a face. Changmin laughs and practically smashes Yunho's face to his chest.

"You know I'm kidding."

Yunho does.

He's so proud of Changmin. So proud of who he's become after everything he's had to go through.

Yunho doesn't think there will ever be another person in his life who will be as inspiring as Changmin has been through the years.

Changmin isn't the type to be sentimental.

But Yunho sometimes is.

I love you always, signs Yunho.

Changmin smiles and blushes a little bit.

"I know," he says. "I love me always too."

Yunho laughs.

He will never be as funny as his bandmate. And with or without hearing, he still makes up for the things that Yunho doesn't have.


End file.
